Dear Ueno: How do you accept criticism without getting discouraged?
Dear Ueno is an advice column for people who for some weird reason think we know what we’re doing. Read more about all this, or check out our old advice.
From Sasha Nadelyaeva, a designer in Ukraine, via Twitter:
How do you accept criticism and not get discouraged about your skills?
Carolyn Zhang, Design Lead at Ueno in NYC:
Dear Sasha,
What a timeless question! I’ve lost many a sleepless night to the anxiety and fear and vulnerability caused by other people’s words. Fortunately, our reaction is completely within our power to change. Staying motivated in the face of criticism is a mental muscle that we can exercise and strengthen over time.
So, let’s start in our own brains
Try using the word “feedback” instead of “criticism”
Criticism has such a negative implication; the very word sounds sharp, ready to slice you apart at a moment’s notice. “Feedback” is more neutral — it can be positive or negative, constructive or destructive. So for the rest of this post, I’ll be using the word “feedback.”
Adopt a growth mindset
When faced with overwhelming anxiety, I turn to scientific research for comfort. Studies consistently support that through simply believing that you can improve in any area, you will work harder and ultimately improve. This is called a growth mindset. Conversely, if you think you are born with a certain level of talent or intelligence — a fixed mindset — you will be more inclined to run from challenges and not improve. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Professor Carol Dweck, whose psychology research shaped the field, explains how we can set up growth mindsets for ourselves:
Feedback hurts the most when it implies that something fundamental about ourselves is not good enough. That we can’t improve, no matter how hard we try. It tears down our growth mindsets and chains us to our inadequacies. It hurts especially when it comes from someone with a lot of power over us — a boss, a teacher, a loved one — since their words carry so much more weight. And unfortunately, shitty people like to weaponize feedback, using the guise of honesty to hold us down and reinforce their own power.
Feedback is helpful when it focuses on our work rather than on our more foundational character traits, and reinforces that we are capable of improving. Don’t confuse this with positive or negative feedback — plenty of positive feedback is unhelpful (e.g. a shallow “beautiful!”), and thoughtful negative feedback is pure gold.
Reframe the situation
All feedback is information, regardless of how positive or negative it is. It often gives us valuable information about ourselves and our work, but it always gives us information about the person giving us the feedback — their motivations, character, and intent. The power dynamic between the giver and the receiver. The broader environment that encourages or discourages these messages. There’s so much information wrapped up in a piece of feedback beyond just the words at face value.
When I ran from feedback because I was afraid of getting hurt, I was really running from uncomfortable information. Did I want to be that kind of person? I told myself, That would make me no different from climate change deniers! I deliberately pit my fear against my smugness, knowing that the smugness would win. (The benefits of self-awareness!)
So to people who say to ignore the critics — I respectfully disagree. We shouldn’t ignore information, but we can analyze it and decide how it affects our thoughts and actions.
Respond graciously
Now let’s step outside of our brains, back into the wider world. How we visibly respond to feedback affects our ability to collaborate with others, and the texture of the working environment that our teammates experience.
I used to dig in my heels and try to one-up the other person and prove I was right. Or I’d launch into a long-winded explanation of why things are the way they are. Please don’t do this. This is just a surefire way to seem immature and ruin a working relationship.
Instead, it’s safest to be an example of good faith and humility. You might try something like this:
- Pause. Take a moment. Don’t say anything if you have an immediate emotional reaction. If you’re really mad or hurt, take a few deep breaths.
- Thank them for their feedback. Stay humble, and assume good intentions.
- Ask clarifying questions to better understand their feedback. Listen well, ask more follow-up questions, and take notes. You might uncover misunderstandings, insecurities, or bigger forces at play. You might realize that the other person is just having a bad day and taking it out on you. Or you might find that you’re dealing with a well-intentioned person who just isn’t the best with words.
Once you get more comfortable receiving feedback, you can graduate to responding in the moment. Kudos to you, but I don’t trust myself enough to do that. I say too many stupid things.
Afterwards, take as long as you need to process emotionally, in whatever ways work for you. Reflect on it, or just do something else to distract yourself.
Build and maintain your own confidence
We rarely get so lucky that we have mentors who can boost our confidence while giving us helpful feedback. Fortunately, there’s some things we can do on our own.
Look at your own progress
Regardless of what type of feedback you got, a reliable way to build or maintain confidence in your skills is to set up short feedback loops so you can track your own growth and improve more quickly. For me, that means making lots of work, maybe iterating on it once or twice if I’ve received feedback, and then moving on to the next thing. After just a few cycles, I can look back at my old work and see how much better I’ve gotten.
That’s what keeps me going and boosts my confidence — being able to see just how terrible my old work is, and reminding myself that I’m capable of improving. (My current work doesn’t have to be good for this sense of improvement to keep me going! It just has to be better than my older work.) Again, I’m reinforcing the growth mindset that we talked about earlier.
Remind yourself that everyone started somewhere
Try to find old work from those you admire, to remind yourself that everyone was once a beginner. Or to see that the same people you admire right now make plenty of bad work, they just have the persistence to iterate and improve.
Most of the great work we see on the internet is the output of many years of experience and many hours of iteration. Try to get to know some people you admire in person — ideally, to work in the same team or space as them — to humanize them and make their skills seem more achievable. (Of course, this only works if they’re kind and thoughtful people too. Be prepared for the chance that your idols are actually assholes. If that’s the case, get out as fast as you can.)
Be kind to yourself
Everyone has bad days, weeks, months when they feel discouraged and pessimistic. Take the time to invest in healthy habits, because the happiest, most well-rested version of you is the one who will grow the most quickly.
I hope this helps, Sasha, and I’m excited for what’s ahead for you!
Carolyn
Carolyn Zhang is a designer at Ueno in New York. You may remember her from such timeless Ueno blog posts as Designing a Culture of Mentorship, How do I learn Illustration, Tips & tricks for tongue-tied designers, 7 lessons learned and unlearned from my computer science education, Back from vacation? Here’s how to give feedback on work that happened while you were out. Dear Ueno: How do you organize your design files?
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